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Ret's ESL Jokes
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
📘 Key Vocabulary+
flopped: S’AFFAISA
plastered with: BARBOUILLÉ DE
sticking out: DÉPASSAIT
dishevelled: DÉBRAILLÉ
loose living: UNE VIE DÉBAUCHÉE
to come on strong: ÊTRE BRUSQUE
📖 Grammar Points+
1. Past simple for completed narrative actions
The joke uses past simple throughout to tell the sequence of events: flopped, opened, began, turned, asked, muttered, nudged, apologised. This tense moves the story forward clearly and chronologically. Learners can see how English speakers use past simple to list what happened one after another — from the drunk man flopping down on the subway seat to the priest’s embarrassed apology and the final punchline.
2. Present simple for dialogue and reported opinions
The joke uses present simple for the priest’s explanation: “it’s caused by”, “loose living”, etc. This is a general statement of belief, not a past event. The drunk man’s final line uses past continuous: “I was just reading that the Pope does” — present simple in the subordinate clause because it reports a fact that is still true. This mix of tenses shows how native speakers use different tenses for different purposes within the same narrative.
🔁 Synonyms & Alternatives+
flopped · collapsed / slumped / fell heavily
S’AFFAISA → also “s’est effondré”
dishevelled · untidy / messy / unkempt
DÉBRAILLÉ → also “en désordre”
Both fit the descriptive tone: “slumped on a subway seat” or “the messy guy”.
💬 Mini Dialogue+
Context: Two friends, Thabo and Lerato, are on a bus. A man in a messy suit sits down next to them and starts reading a newspaper.
Thabo: “Look at that guy. He looks completely dishevelled. His tie is stained and his coat is torn.”
Lerato: “He just flopped into that seat like he had a long night.”
Thabo: “He’s reading an article about the Pope. It says he has arthritis.”
Lerato: “I heard that’s caused by loose living and too much alcohol!”
Thabo: “Don’t come on so strong — it’s just a joke!”
Uses past simple for narrative actions (”looked”, “flopped”, “read”), present simple for descriptions and opinions, and vocabulary items integrated naturally.
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Thank you, that is very encouraging. I am grateful.
This is a lovely concept. You've transformed a simple joke into a memorable English lesson without losing the humour. That's not easy to do. As a fellow writer, I admire the educational craftsmanship behind it. Wishing you every success with the newsletter.